The 25th Ealing Beer Festival Reviewed by Morrissey

It was hoppy in the haze of a drunken couple of hours under the screaming swifts, blue skies and flowering lime trees of sun-dappled Walpole Park. The sun beat down on a far-from humdrum town and the cool, marqueed casks delivered their nectar into pleasingly never-empty festival glasses. Good times for a change, and a meaty curry murdered. My new favourite beer festival. Park the car by the side of the road and let these beers smother you.

BLUE BEE, Tangled Up - 6% (Sheffield)

When you're Tangled Up in your mother's apron no-one talks about castration. Deliciously moreish. I won't share you, no. I won't share you. I'll see you somewhere again. I'll see you sometime, but I won't share you. 

BRAINS, Rev James - 4.5% (Cardiff)

A monkish monsignor with a mighty foam head. As natural as rain, it dances on the tongue again and again. Like a vicar in tutu, it's not strange - it just wants to live its real ale life this way.

BURTON BRIDGE, Damson Porter - 4.5% (Burton on Trent)

Under the iron Burton Bridge, we sipped. And although I ended up with sore lips, it just wasn't like the old days any more - it just wasn't like those days. Am I still ill?

COACH HOUSE, Blueberry - 5% (Warrington)

Light, delicate bitterness and frankly, Mr Shankly, it can play hideously fruity tricks on the brain.

DARK STAR, American Pale Ale - 4.7% (Partridge Green, Sussex)

America, your head's too big. Because America, your belly's too big. And I love you. I just wish you'd stay where you belong. Which is everywhere.

ILKLEY, Lotus IPA - 5.6% (Ilkley)

The taste of fresh, lilac moorland fields. Find it, find it, nothing more - the spoils of a sullen, misty moor. Over the moor - take me to the Ilkley Moor. With or without a hat.

JENNINGS, Cumberland Ale - 4% (Cockermouth)

There would be panic on the streets of nearby Carlisle if Jennings ever ran out of this superb golden ale. The Billy Tastebudd music it constantly plays says everything to me about my life.

KELHAM ISLAND, Riders On The Storm - 4.5% (Sheffield)

The rain falls down on this humdrum South Yorkshire town - this town can drag you down, and I should know because I lived there for three years. William, it was really nothing. It was your life.

MONCADA, Notting Hill Blonde - 4.2% (Notting Hill)

Here is London, home of the brash, outrageous and free. I sense the power - within an hour the power can totally destroy me, all around Sloane Square and other parts of West London. Busy, busy.

SONNET 43, American Pale Ale - 5.4% (Coxhoe, Durham)

I dreamt about this last night and I fell out of bed twice. It can pin me and mount me like a butterfly. Two pints, please. It's the bee's knees (but so am I).

TITANIC, Plum Porter - 4.9% (Burslem, Staffordshire)

You're the one for me, fatty, you're the one I really, really love. And I will always stay for another. Promise you'll say if I'm ever in your way.

TWICKENHAM, Naked Ladies - 4.4% (Twickenham)

In excess, makes some Naked Ladies bigger than others. And some Naked Ladies' mothers bigger than other Naked Ladies' mothers.

TWICKENHAM, Summer Sun - 4.4% (Twickenham)

Another sparkling sunny day so I'll meet you at the cemetery gates. Keats and Yeats are on your side, while Wilf Wild was one of the greatest managers of mine.

WINDSOR & ETON, Eton Boatman - 4.3% (Windsor)

So I broke into Windsor Palace with a sponge and a rusty spanner. She said, I know you and you cannot row. I said, that's nothing, you should hear me play piano.

XT, Apricot Pale - 4.3% (Long Crendon, Bucks)

The table is rumbling, my distended stomach is rumbling - the glass is moving! Ouija board, ouija board would you help me? P.U.S.H.O double F. And an X and a T.

SPRINGHERNE, cider - 6.something% (Ross on Wye)
Now I know how Joan of Arc felt, as the apple aroma rose to her Roman nose and her cider resistance started to melt.

I like it here. Can I stay?